Liz asked me to fill in her column today. She left me in control of her laptop and Blackberry as she had a fit of the vapours after me and the lads decided to practice our 2 hour drum and guitar solos in The Barn with the windows wide open.
Lizzie said she didn’t mind at all as being 70% deaf she couldn’t hear a note. Unfortunately 5 of our neighbours on nearby farms did, and called the Environmental Noise Nuisance team.
So Liz has gone for a lie down, crying and wailing “I just can’t cope anymore!” but asked me to update you about our recent adventures.
Liz and I are aware that there has been a teensy weensy ickle bit of internet debate over my identity, so Lizzie thought it was only right that she give me the chance to prove my existence in one of her columns.
Some of you thought that I was this chap:
And others of you thought I was this be-goateed geezer:
You were all wrong. It is, me, Eddie_van_Mad_Cat_Woman (ex Spinal Tap – and don’t query which band I say I was with, roight, because I am only gonna tell it loike it is).
Look, roight, when I met Lovely Lizzie I was just recovering in The Priory for substance abuse, and LL came to interview me. There was an instant attraction, and we swapped numbers. Only after days of trying to phone her, Liz texted me about her hearing problems, and suggested we exchange messages via e-mail, or text etc.
That was the start of the romance of the century, loike, and since then Liz has supported me at Glastonbury, Isle of Wight, the V Festival, Rock for Jobs, The Big Chill, all of dem gigs we did.
(Why on earth couldn’t you forum femme fatales google us better we just don’t know!).
But then I read on the twit-vine that Liz is dating some brown eyed, silver haired, foxy Famous Actor chap! This is nonsense, absolute nonsense! Yet another red herring from Lizzie to protect my privacy and throw you all off the scent again! Ha ha!
Of course, if there is smidgen of evidence that Lizzie does have “Another Man” (viz: “A Man”) I will knock his block off with my Stratoscaster Fender Bender pronto !!
You have been warned!
Next week: the other side of the story, from sweet FA.